It is finally happening, friends. Pop the champagnestrictly non-alcoholic, of course, think of the children because the German federal states have done it. After years of arduous meetings, presumably held in rooms with no Wi-Fi and excellent cookie platters, the 16 state chiefs have signed off on the reform of the Youth Protection State Treaty (JMStV).
The “Wait, Is This a Joke?” Phase*
I know what you are thinking. You are reading this and thinking, “Nice satire article.” But seriously, I am not kidding. The voting happened. All local governments actually agreed on this, and it is a real law.
Do you not believe me? Do you think this is some elaborate prank I cooked up? It is real. You can read the official document yourself right here: TOP-10-Sechster-Medienaenderungsstaatsvertrag.pdf
Yes, that is an official government server. Go ahead, click it. I’ll wait while you weep for our digital future.
The “Structural Precaution” (Read: The Nanny Switch)
Now that you’ve confirmed I’m not hallucinating, let’s look at the groundbreaking innovation that will save our youth. Is it better media literacy? No. Is it holding content providers accountable? Don’t be silly.
The solution is much more elegant: They are just going to ask Windows, Apple and Android to fix it.
The new law dictates that operating systems yes, the actual software running your phone and laptop must provide “structural precautions” for youth protection. In plain English: They want a “Porn Off” switch.
The idea is staggeringly simple, in the way that suggesting “we should just stop being poor” is simple. The law envisions a world where iOS, Android, and Windows come with a built-in, pre-installed parental control system active by default or easily activating during setup.
Apple and Microsoft Must Be Thrilled
I am sure the engineers in Cupertino and Redmond are stopping all production right now. Forget AI integration; forget quantum computing. What the world really needs is a German-compliant content filter integrated deep into the kernel of the OS.
Imagine the scene: You buy a new iPhone. You turn it on. Siri asks you, “Are you 18? Please upload a scan of your Personalausweis (ID card) and a notarized letter from your grandmother to unlock Safari.”
The politicians believe that by forcing OS providers to integrate these filters, they are creating a “privileged” status for those systems. It is a beautiful legal loop that solves absolutely nothing technically but makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy legally.
The “12-Year-Old Hacker” Factor
Here is the funniest part of this legislative masterpiece: It assumes that children are stupid.
The average German politician struggles to unmute themselves on Zoom. Meanwhile, the average 12-year-old can bypass a router firewall, set up a VPN, and sideload a cracked version of Minecraft before their breakfast toast pops up.
Mandating a filter in the operating system is like putting a garden gate in the middle of a football field and locking it. Sure, it’s locked. But you can just walk around it. Or dig under it. Or, in the case of the internet, just download a different browser, change your DNS settings to 1.1.1.1, or use the Tor network.
Conclusion: The Fax Machine Strikes Back
This legislation is the digital equivalent of a sternly worded letter. It is well-intentioned, surely. We all want kids to be safe online. But attempting to force global operating system vendors to act as local nannies is a special kind of German “Gründlichkeit” (thoroughness) that ignores how the internet actually works.
So, brace yourselves. The future of IT in Germany is here. It involves clicking “Yes, I am an adult” on even more pop-ups, while your children quietly install Linux on a USB stick to browse whatever they want.
Welcome to 2025. The filters are coming. But don’t worry, I’m sure the fax machines will remain uncensored.